P-touch

Did you know 90% of people surveyed prefer the P-touch labeler? You can thank me for that information later.

I discovered this while listening to the radio on my way to the gym and, by god, I almost flipped my minivan doing a high speed u-turn to get to an office supply store because I was worried there would be a rush on the labelers and I wouldn’t get mine.  I mean, 90%!  Even with toothbrush and toothpaste surveys you never get more than 4 out of 5.

Then on the way there I started to wonder:  90% of people surveyed– who were these people?  I mean, if I accidentally pick up the phone while distractedly surfing the internet for shoes or porn or shoe porn and there is someone doing a telephone survey on the other end, I easily dodge it by shouting, “Oh my God!”, making a crackling noise and then asking them to call back because my kid is on fire and I can’t really do the survey right now.  Then I just unplug the phone. Believe you me, if I am smart enough to figure out this strategy then anyone can. Right now you are reading this and coming up with your own, ‘Dodge the Survey’ techniques.  There are thousands of them and I know you’ll share some of your favorites in the comments section.  If nothing else, this blog encourages audience participation.

So again, I ask you, who are these people who overwhelmingly love the P-touch labeler?  I suspect they were P-touch inventors or other staff working for P-touch Corp.  Perhaps they were on a lunch break at work and had a mouthful of ham sandwich. They didn’t want to be rude, and so just nodded when the independent market research firm representative asked, “Do you prefer the P-touch labeler to all other labelers?”

Then you have to ask yourself, who were the other 10% of disloyal jerks who preferred some other labeler?  Maybe they weren’t even disloyal but instead were choking on a bite of ham sandwich and shaking their head furiously to dislodge the obstructing deli meat which could easily be mistaken by the market research firm employee for a negative answer.  Maybe really 100% of people surveyed love the labeler and this is a huge misunderstanding.

I also wonder why all of the employees of  P-Touch Inc. eat ham.

Of course, I also started to wonder other things.  Like what does the ‘P’ stand for in ‘P-touch’?  My husband’s name begins with a ‘P’ and he gave himself the rapper name of ‘Baggy-P’ which might be silly and looks even sillier in print but that is kind of the point of giving himself a rapper name since he is of English/ Irish descent and prefers heavy metal music.  What was my point here?  Oh yeah. When you go to name a product that might possibly, no will almost definitely, be preferred by 90% of the people surveyed, and you have to come up with a name for this product, one that really captures it’s pure awesome labeling capabilities, how do you come up with ‘P-touch’?  What does that ‘P’ stand for?  Power?  Prime?  Perfect?  Popular?  Potent?  Again, here is an opportunity for you to chime in on the comments.  What does the ‘P’ stand for in this incredibly popular labeler’s name?

I also need to be clear here.  I don’t really know that anyone working for P-Touch International likes ham.  For all I know they are all vegetarians and that is what really makes their labeler so awesome.  So.  Parts of this blog are made up.  Now you know.

Also, the woman who insisted on this blog (not this specific post but me blogging in general and no, I will not reveal who she is because she doesn’t need the hate mail) has suggested that I add pictures to fancy things up a bit.  I was worried about the legalities of posting certain relevant pictures so I had to come up with my own material here.  I apologize if this is not what you had in mind Camille:See, now my blog is fancy

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Random generator

My son has an app on his iPod touch called the random number generator. You give it some parameters and it spits out numbers randomly. My brain is exactly the same except they are thoughts rather than numbers and minus the parameters.

Which is how I came to wonder: why even have an invisible jet?  I mean, Wonder Woman isn’t invisible so now she just looks stupid sitting in midair with her hands out in front of her. The bad guys can still see her right? So this seems like a silly mode of transportation.

Another random thought. The cover of Glamour magazine had a headline that read: “29 Things He’s Thinking When You’re Naked.” Really? Twenty-nine? I can think of three:

  • Uhhh . . . (This may or may not be accompanied by drool)
  • Woo Hoo!

and

  • Please, please, please keep the heels on.

But 29 thoughts? That’s a lot of thinking.
and for the ladies I thought of two:

  • Woo Hoo!

and

  • Did I remember to unplug my curling iron?

Again, Twenty nine? And why 29, not a nice round 30. Like if it is 29 then the author really must’ve interviewed guys because if it was just some writer at their desk making shit up then they would’ve done a round number. So if it is 29 then these are REAL things thought by guys and this writer just only knows 29 guys to interview or something.

So anyway, my randomly generating brain goes on like this while I’m trying to run errands then somewhere along the line I remember I’m supposed to be doing something.  So the next thought is: ‘What was I doing?’,  followed by: ‘Oh yeah, going to Target because I need toilet paper.’

Then the brain generates another random thought.  What did they do before toilet paper?

On a stick

This post is dedicated to honoring the amazing stick.  What is it about putting things on a stick that makes them better?  Let’s face it, hot dogs coated in cornmeal and fried with no stick?  Just not a big seller.  The corndog?  Pure marketing genius.

Blowpops, Tootsie pops, chicken satay, shish kabob, cotton candy, popsicles, caramel apples, handled bath puff to clean your back, protest signs, white hankerchief for surrendering, colored bandana if you are a hobo and need to transport your belongings. All clearly made better by the addition of the stick.

Which begs the question, what opportunities are being missed?  What would be a best seller with a stick but a complete failure without?  Here is my, by no means comprehensive, list of things that would be improved by putting them on a stick.

  • Nachos (just kidding, everyone knows that nachos cannot be improved).
  • Soap. Rather than put the soap on the bath puff on a stick, you could save a step and just put the soap on a long stick and use that to wash your back.
  • Cheese. This currently comes in stick form, a move which I applaud but they just didn’t go far enough.  The separate stick to keep my fingers from getting cheesy or conversely, to keep my cheese from getting fingery, because God knows where my fingers have been.
  • Chocolate.  ‘Melts in your mouth, not in your hands’ was a cool slogan. . . but did anyone notice that the candy coated shell left a colored stain on their palms?  So, really not as effective as it could be.  Now I am not, by any means suggesting that you put sticks into M&M’s unless they are really really large M&M’s and by the way, Mars if you are thinking of using that idea I would like a cut of the profit.  I mean, how awesome would that be?  Hugemongous M&M’s on a stick.  I’m just sayin’.
  • Tissues. Someone with a clearly communicable disease sneezes.  Now, you want to be a generous and kindly host but you do not want to be within ten feet of their mucous or their germs.  Tissues on a stick to the rescue.
  • I wanted to say potatoes.  ‘Cause I love potatoes and imagining eating one on a stick was pure heaven.  Then my friend, who will most likely be referred to in this blog as ‘Monkey’ mentioned that they might be too soft to stay on a stick.  That made me think of an ice cream cone that is melting.  You are licking it for all you’re worth and then you accidentally push the scoop off of the cone and end up sobbing with a puddle of melted creamy goodness at your feet.  I mean, regardless of the five second rule, this shit is completely irredeemable and you have gone from bliss to crushing reality in .2 seconds.  You have no money to replace the cone and you are just shit out of luck and isn’t that just life in a f’king nutshell, dangling it’s joys and treasures in front of you only to snatch them away moments later.  Yeah.  So no potatoes.

Anyhoo.  This particular blog really demands participation.  My limited brain can only do so much.  Your brilliance is required.  What do you say would benefit from the addition of a stick?

Note: The author of this blog acknowledges that there are also things that would benefit from the removal of a stick. Comment on that as well, if you must.

 

Rabbit hole

First, I’d like to apologize for the name of this post.  Particularly if you came here thinking this was going to be something completely different than what it actually is.

The internet is a total rabbit hole for me.  I get an e-mail with a link and I follow that link which goes to a website that has another link and then something about that seems interesting and I spend 45 minutes browsing through that site when really I should be writing my novel or editing videos or doing laundry or picking the kids up from school or something.

This is how I ended up on the website of an Ivy League university contemplating getting a masters in applied positive psychology.  Seriously contemplating it.  However, this MAPP program would cost $47,006 in tuition and I would need to travel to Philadelphia once a month for a year.   I would need some money to do this.  So I dropped the idea and proceeded to watch the Llamas with hats video on youtube. Clearly, I am Ivy League material.

Later that evening I was watching a show called Wipeout.  It’s an American version of one of those Japanese game shows in which people get hurt.  Over and over again.  Then it’s edited so that you get to watch the painful crotch blows and face plants in slow motion. Repeatedly.  This is great fun to watch; it is the modern version of banana peel humor and it never fails.  The whole family, from my eight-year-old daughter to my 62 year-old mother-in-law thought this was the funniest thing ever.  EVER.

About fifteen minutes into the show I wondered aloud why the contestants would subject themselves to such painful public humiliation.  My husband tells me ‘Oh, if they win they get $50,000.’ Lightbulb moment.

Though, I wonder if there is something wrong with using our natural human tendency to derive joy from other people’s suffering (Schadenfreude! an Ivy League word if ever there was one.  I’m sure to get in!) in order to fund a masters program in applied positive psychology.  I mean, would that hurt my chances of being accepted to the program?  Hmm.