This post is dedicated to honoring the amazing stick. What is it about putting things on a stick that makes them better? Let’s face it, hot dogs coated in cornmeal and fried with no stick? Just not a big seller. The corndog? Pure marketing genius.
Blowpops, Tootsie pops, chicken satay, shish kabob, cotton candy, popsicles, caramel apples, handled bath puff to clean your back, protest signs, white hankerchief for surrendering, colored bandana if you are a hobo and need to transport your belongings. All clearly made better by the addition of the stick.
Which begs the question, what opportunities are being missed? What would be a best seller with a stick but a complete failure without? Here is my, by no means comprehensive, list of things that would be improved by putting them on a stick.
- Nachos (just kidding, everyone knows that nachos cannot be improved).
- Soap. Rather than put the soap on the bath puff on a stick, you could save a step and just put the soap on a long stick and use that to wash your back.
- Cheese. This currently comes in stick form, a move which I applaud but they just didn’t go far enough. The separate stick to keep my fingers from getting cheesy or conversely, to keep my cheese from getting fingery, because God knows where my fingers have been.
- Chocolate. ‘Melts in your mouth, not in your hands’ was a cool slogan. . . but did anyone notice that the candy coated shell left a colored stain on their palms? So, really not as effective as it could be. Now I am not, by any means suggesting that you put sticks into M&M’s unless they are really really large M&M’s and by the way, Mars if you are thinking of using that idea I would like a cut of the profit. I mean, how awesome would that be? Hugemongous M&M’s on a stick. I’m just sayin’.
- Tissues. Someone with a clearly communicable disease sneezes. Now, you want to be a generous and kindly host but you do not want to be within ten feet of their mucous or their germs. Tissues on a stick to the rescue.
- I wanted to say potatoes. ‘Cause I love potatoes and imagining eating one on a stick was pure heaven. Then my friend, who will most likely be referred to in this blog as ‘Monkey’ mentioned that they might be too soft to stay on a stick. That made me think of an ice cream cone that is melting. You are licking it for all you’re worth and then you accidentally push the scoop off of the cone and end up sobbing with a puddle of melted creamy goodness at your feet. I mean, regardless of the five second rule, this shit is completely irredeemable and you have gone from bliss to crushing reality in .2 seconds. You have no money to replace the cone and you are just shit out of luck and isn’t that just life in a f’king nutshell, dangling it’s joys and treasures in front of you only to snatch them away moments later. Yeah. So no potatoes.
Anyhoo. This particular blog really demands participation. My limited brain can only do so much. Your brilliance is required. What do you say would benefit from the addition of a stick?
Note: The author of this blog acknowledges that there are also things that would benefit from the removal of a stick. Comment on that as well, if you must.